Tifa Meets Jim Carrey
by CodenniumRed
Summary: You just KNEW this had to be humorous.
1. The Meet

Final Fantasy VII

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Tifa meets Jim Carrey

Written By CodenniumRed

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You just KNEW this had to be Humorous.

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Disclaimer: Actually, there's a few parts to this. In any case, I have no intention of obtaining profit through displaying this fanfiction on the web.

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Final Fantasy VII: Final Fantasy VII is a GREAT game, as are all of the games in the series. The characters and settings within are the property of Square-Enix (formerly known as Squaresoft and unrelated to the independent Enix software company).

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Jim Carrey: This fanfiction in no way reflects who Jim Carrey really is. Although he is portrayed as a clueless wacko in this fanfiction, Jim is really a talented and intelligent actor who can play a variety of roles beyond Comedy, such as in the movie, "The Truman Show" TM. Just think of it as Jim _acting_ as another of his roles, named 'Jim' for clarity. Jim Carrey is the property of… none other than Jim Carrey.

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The Narrator: Meet The Narrator. He'll be your guide throughout this fanfiction. The character of The Narrator is MINE!!!! Yes, he's my creation… not 'a' narrator, 'The Narrator.' He sits in the sky and is invisible. It's my new experiment to combine script and novel style writing into one! Gya-ha-ha! Oi… I sound like Heidegger now.

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Chapter 1: The Meet:

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The Narrator: Today seemed to be just another boring day in Tifa's Seventh Heaven Bar. She was especially lonely after not having seen Cloud for two years, ever since the incident with Sephiroph and Holly. But, little did she know, conditions were about to change drastically! And just in time. Why? Well, let's take a look at her present life. See?

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Tifa: What'll it be, sir?

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Grumpy Old Man: Eeeeeh… heh, heh… anythin' that'll keep my 'art tickin'!

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Tifa: What?

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Grumpy Old Man: My 'art! What part of 'art ain't you understanin'? Eeehe… *cough*

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Tifa: Your heart?

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Grumpy Old Man: Yeah, my 'art. Connected to my _veins_ that you can see everywhere. Them spider-veins sure give me a few years and countin'! No, _genius_, what else could I mean? Eehehe… *cough* *wheeze* Heeh.

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Tifa: Well, what do you want?

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Grumpy Old Man: What are ye, deaf? You're worse than me!

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Tifa: _Yeah, right_!

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Grumpy Old Man: As I said, I want anythin' that'll keep my 'art tickin'!

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Tifa: Would a Small Brew be good?

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Grumpy Old Man: What do I look like to ye, one of those champion runnin' freaks???? That's no good, _Einstein_!

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Tifa: Why not just tell me what you want instead, that's what _everyone else_ does.

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Grumpy Old Man: Well my eye-sight's goin'! You young people just assume we old folks are fine. Well, you should see what it's like. Your years robbed away from ye.

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Tifa: Why not come back when you get glasses?

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Grumpy Old Man: And ruin my pretty face?

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Young Cocky Man: Hey, 'urry it up ova there!!!!

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Grumpy Old Man: Eeeh, shut up ya prettyboy! Even I could hear ya from a mile away!

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Young Cocky Man: Want a piece of me?

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Tifa: Whoa, stop this!!!! Is this any way to behave, even in a bar????

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Grumpy Old Man: Eh, just give me the Brew! It's a wonder I'm even going to pay ya! In any case, I ain't comin' back!

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The Narrator: As you can see, Tifa hasn't had much reason to smile in a long while. Cloud's gone, and she's surrounded by obnoxious loons that _she_ has to serve. Oh… but what's this???? Here comes _another_ weirdo into the fray. Donning giant sunglasses and shorts, though, his motif doesn't exactly match that of Tifa's other Customers from Hell.

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Tifa: Oh, great. _Another_ loon. Midgar barely even sees sunlight; _why_ is he wearing glasses????

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The Narrator: Just relax, Tifa. You've become paranoid. Just wait… watch… yadda yadda yadda. Oh, I forgot, she can't _hear_ me. I'm on the outside looking in. Anywho, there goes this new guy up to her counter. Let's see what happens….

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Tifa: *sigh* What'll it be?

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The New Guy: Ermmmm… lemme see… now… I'm kinda new here. Sorry, let me take these glasses off….

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Tifa: _Wow, he's not half bad_.

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The New Guy: How about some water? I don't drink.

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Tifa: _Water_? Um… okay I guess.

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The New Guy: Say, you look sort of sad….

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Tifa: Hmmm? Oh, rough day… as usual. *sigh* 

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The New Guy: I know how it could be… no friends around, drunks yelling all the time… can you tell that I don't drink?

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Tifa: *mock annoyance – he's being _nice_ after all* Obviously.

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The New Guy: My name's Jim. Jim Bumblestein!

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Tifa: … Bumblestein???? *smiles*

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Jim: Kidding! Aah! o_o Made you laugh! Really, it's Jim Carrey.

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Tifa: Teehee… I'm Tifa. Tifa Lockhart. The pleasure is mine.

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Jim: THE Tifa!? Wow, I never expected to find her HERE!!!!

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Tifa: Um, this IS my Bar, after all. It's called 'Tifa's Seventh Heaven.'

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Jim: All the same… would you like to hang out sometime?

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Tifa: Sure! Teehee. You seem interesting and nice.

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Jim: Oh, but I'm not perfect…

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Tifa: Who is?

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Jim: Oookay!!!! *-* I like Tennis, television, jogging, cooking, joking, reading, writing, learning, playing, working, eating, sleeping, basketball, racing, gardening, cleaning, organizing, theorizing, contemplating, typing, sorting, skydiving, snowboarding, skiing, surfing, hang-gliding, flying, boating, fishing, modeling, model-building, banking, accounting, collecting, sculpting, travelling, making friends… and did I mention _tennis_?

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Tifa: @-@ WOW!!! Really?

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Jim: Well actually, I just said half those things for effect, but the obvious ones were true. Like Tennis and television. But I'm no pro, though.

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Tifa: When we hang out, let's do some tennis. K?

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Jim: You bet! I'll try my best.

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The Narrator: Wow, this seems to be interesting. A nice change of pace from the tub of shrimp I've been fed for the past week. Hehe… I get to spy on their date… hehehe…. 


	2. Tennis

Final Fantasy VII

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Tifa meets Jim Carrey

Written By CodenniumRed

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You just KNEW this had to be Humorous.

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Disclaimer: Again, there's a few parts to this. I'll save the profit for Doujinshi! Eehehe….

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Final Fantasy VII: Final Fantasy VII is the source of Tifa Lockhart! Why Lockhart? Because she can make many a guy's heart flutter. Like Aeris, she's caring and sweet (with long hair); like Yuffie, playful at times (with dark hair)!

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Jim Carrey: Jim Carrey is an amusing actor to watch, and extremely talented. Again, think of his as playing yet another part when being featured in this fanfiction. Since this is now all about his character development, expect more general weirdness from here on in!

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The Narrator: The Narrator is your guide, your light. Learn to like him, because he likes you. A LOT. After all, before you - the reader - came along, he was lonely and only had his bottomless bag of bread-crumbed shrimp to feast upon. And NO sauce! But now, he exists in your mind too!

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Chapter 2: Tennis:

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The Narrator: *munch* *munch* … Mmmm… yummy, bottomless bag of bread-crumbed shrimp… with sauce! Mmmm. Oh, back are we? Good. You know who I am, right? I am The Narrator, _that's_ who I am! Last we left off, Tifa invited Jim to Tennis after Jim asked her to hang out with him. Still with me? Hehe. Being lonely, of course, she accepted. So here we are, at an often abandoned section of Midgar. Fortunately it's pretty clean – not quite _in_ the slums, but not far from them, either.

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Tifa: So, how well can you hit?

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Jim: Hmmm… lemme see *slaps own self* YOOOW!!!! *raises eyebrows* Pretty good I think….

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Tifa: Um… the balls, I meant.

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Jim: I'll pass that one Tifa. *o* 

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Tifa: … Right. I'm not so bad myself. Let's just hit it back and fourth a few times, okay?

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Jim: Anything for my kind, new friend!

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Tifa: ….

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The Narrator: And so they go into position, Tifa picking up one racket, Jim making his own racket from his struggles of getting the gizmo out of the bag in the first place. And-

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Tifa: Jim, do you need help?

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The Narrator: I wasn't DONE!!!! So anyway, um… now I forgot what I wanted to say,_ thank you very much_!!!!

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Jim: No, I'll be fine. Almost… got… it… *clunk!* Ow! Now I have a headache.

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Tifa: Are you sure that you can play?

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Jim: Please please PLEASE let us go through with this!!!! I just need Divine help, that's all.

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Tifa: Now what? -_-

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Jim: *holds up racket, He-Man style* By the honor of Great Skill, I HAVE THE PO-WAAA!!!! Good luck, though.

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The Narrator: Why not just address me? I'm sitting here, waiting around in the sky too! _I_ should be 'Divine Help.'

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Tifa: Yeah. Whatever. I'm serving. *throws a tennis ball into the air, slaps with racket*

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Jim: … Ooooooo YAAAAAA!!!!!! *misses* Nonono, that was nooo fair!!!!

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Tifa: Let me show you, you just didn't ready yourself soon enough….

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Jim: Aw… phulleeeeaze… we all make mistakes, I'll get it again. Though your concern is greatly appreciated.

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Tifa: *smiles* Alright, here comes ball number two. *throws another tennis ball into the air, and slaps it with her racket*

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Jim: Ball-coming-hard-to-see-can-I-hit-it- *misses* I-guess-not…. -_-

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Tifa: You didn't meet the ball in front of you. Here, I'll show you.

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The Narrator: Wow, how romantic! She's going to his side of the court! They're now gripping the same racket. She moves his leg back, guides his right arm in a fluid swinging motion, arm crossing his body in the end. And I'm feeling like a sports commentator right about now!

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Jim: By George, I think I've got it!

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Tifa: Teehee… see, me showing you paid off, didn't it?

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Jim: Let me try on my own *swings in the air* Wow, it DID!!!! *does a backhand in the air* Oh, YEAH!!!!

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Tifa: Let's get back to playing-

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Jim: Wait, a little more! *swings into the air again… forehand and backhand into one dancing motion, forehand, backhand, forehand, backhand*

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Tifa: Um… Jim….

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Jim: *Pulls out a small radio* This calls for some music!!!! *puts on a tune* Da-DA-da-DA-da-DA-da-DAA!!!! *swings; forehand, backhand, forehand, backhand* One, two, three, _four_! Erum, erum, erum, erum… dodoDADA!!!! *swings some more, twirls around* Whoosh whoosh! Eeehehehehehehehehehehe!!!!

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Tifa: Why do you do these things!?

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Jim: *swings* Whoosh whoosh! Huh? Louder! Da-da-DAA!!!!

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Tifa: *turns off Jim's music* Why do you do weird stuff like this anyway?

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Jim: C'mo-ha-ha-han!!!! I'm just trying to make good, funny memories, is all.

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Tifa: Why not just act normal?

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Jim: Aw, what fun is _that_? Not that you're no fun to be around – you are. I'm just here to amplify the FUN factor!!!!

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Tifa: Whose, mine or your own?

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Jim: Well both!!!!

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Tifa: Jim, could you please settle down just a bit? I'd have more fun it we could actually _play_ the game, or enter an engaging conversation….

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Jim: But this IS an engaging conversation! o_o

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Tifa: *pouts* _He can't resist THAT_….

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Jim: Okay, okay! Let's play like normal! I'm sorry, Tifa. Let's just go go go GO!!!! *runs backward as fast as he can to the back of the court, in playing position… and goes a bit too far, hits the wall*

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Tifa: ….

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Jim: Owwww….

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Tifa: *shakes head*

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The Narrator: I'm getting tired of narrating for now. Don't take it as rejection, but come back later, next chapter. See what happens then. I'm going to bed. Goodnight.


	3. Eating Out

Final Fantasy VII

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Tifa meets Jim Carrey

Written By CodenniumRed

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You just KNEW this had to be Humorous.

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Disclaimer: How strange that in a Disclaimer I actually CLAIM ownership to one of these things:

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Final Fantasy VII: Tifa's the property of Squaresoft, now Square-Enix but the Enix part had no involvement with Tifa.. I don't have to address Barret, Cid, Bugenhagen or any other characters because they were never mentioned once in any writing here. Seriously.

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Jim Carrey: Shall I state a snippet of his resume? He has been in many movies, including The Cable Guy TM, Bruce Almighty TM, The Mask TM, Ace Ventura TM, The Truman Show TM, The Grinch TM, Liar Liar TM, etc. Hehe… that list was from memory, no need to cite a site here… hehehe!

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The Narrator: The Narrator left you a message from last chapter. Try saying 'bottomless bag of bread-crumbed shrimp' three times fast! Hehe! Then add 'sauce.' Both literally and figuratively. How frugal. Oh, and The Narrator is MY character! Gya! Couldn't forget to say _that_ of course! But, I'm not responsible for the breaded-shrimp, sauceless-eating state he was in before he came to be here, though. Always an MST'er!

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Chapter 3: Eating Out:

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The Narrator: Hello kiddies, once again! Did you get my message from after last time? Today, Tifa and Jim have decided to dine out at the local restaurant. How is it that she continues to see him after he's already shown her his weird side? She must be pretty desperate… or MAYBE… so crazy she has just enough sense to see his inner charm! Ehe… ehe.. heh. AnywayZZZZ… let's check up on their current status:

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Tifa: Jim, let's try to behave tonight, alright?

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Jim: No problem Tifa baby. Oh, and you look good tonight baby.

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Tifa: Teehee, thanks! You're not so bad yourself, you know, but a suit was a bit extreme for this occasion.

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Jim: Yeah baby, I know what you mean… baby.

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Tifa: Could you stop calling me baby? Too often, even non-offensively, is as odious as once offensive. 

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The Narrator: Now THAT'S a tongue-twister! 'As odious as once offensive????' Hehe… um… er, not really. Hmmm, perhaps a line from a song? Naah! Oops, sorry I was interrupting. I'll be eating my _sauce-covered_ – mind you -shrimp now.

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Tifa: You can be more charming if you choose to, Jim.

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Jim: Whoops, hehe… sorry.

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Tifa: Oh! Here comes the waiter!

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Waiter: Hello, my name is Ikmen, and welcome to our restaurant. Are you guys ready to order?

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Jim: Hehe… Ikmen… teehee.

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Tifa: *glares*

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Jim: Yeah, I'll have the Lobster. Nice… juicy, tender, lobster. With a side of shrimp…

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Tifa: _Please_.

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Jim: Please.

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Tifa: *smiles*

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The Narrator: Shrimp? I've had enough shrimp already. I'm sick of shrimp, y'know. All's I ever eat is shrimp. But I can't stop, as much as I want to stop, I just can't. I love it and hate it, y'know. Like Lard, for instance. Both will be a part of me _always_.

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Tifa: And I'll have the Chicken Special.

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Ikmen: Thank you very much. I'll be taking the menus now.

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Jim: Can I keep mine, pleaze?

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Ikmen: Sir-

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Jim: Call me Jim… and I'll call you Ikmen.

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Ikmen: Jim… the menu?

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Jim: Okay, fine! Puh! Party pooper….

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Tifa: o_o 

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Jim: So Tifa baby, may I call you baby again baby? 

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Tifa: No….

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Jim: So sorry. Here's the waiter! That was quick! My, look at all of that tantalizing tutelage of culinary feat! And all that yummy FAT that I could so desperately use!

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Ikmen: So… Jim will get the Lobster… *serves plate of Lobster* and you will get the Chicken Special. *hands Tifa her Chicken Special*

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Jim: So tasty. Say, Ikmen?

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Ikmen: What?

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Jim: There are bugs in my Lobster.

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Ikmen: Would you like another dish?

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Jim: Oh, no. This one's just fine….

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Ikmen: Gross.

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Tifa: I don't see any bugs. Jim?

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Jim: Just kidding, Ikmen! Hahahahahaaaaaaah! Here's a tip of 1,000 GIL. *hands Ikmen 1,000 GIL*

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Ikmen: WOW!!!! You were worth it after all, man! Thanks!

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Tifa: That was… _weird_… Jim.

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Jim: … I know.

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Tifa: Well… um… let's eat. … Jim???? @_@

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Jim: *holding lobster to his face* Look at me! I'm an alien going to eat ye!!!!

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Tifa: What?

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Jim: I could eat ye all up… baby.

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Tifa: Stop that!!!!

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Jim: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!!!!

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Tifa: IDIOT!!!!

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Jim: *puts down the lobster* Sorry, just living the moment as always.

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Tifa: Was my talk during our Tennis date meaningless yesterday????

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Jim: So it WAS a date… baby… teehee….

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Tifa: Shush you!

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Jim: Wha-

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Tifa: Just shush. And don't call me baby again!

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Jim: ….

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Tifa: … _He so likes me_!

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The Narrator: So, my predictions proved to be correct. Tifa is falling for Jim Carrey!!!! How? Do his actions not affect her? Or, perhaps, are his actions causing attraction instead of repulsion? Indeed, forces of love are in upheaval even as I speak. Does it have to do with a desperate Tifa? Sometimes I wonder how such a beautiful girl couldn't be more popular…. *swoons*


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